Reflections on Manhood

Originally Published June 9th, 2016 Several years ago, in response to the Stanford rape case, I published an entry on Facebook. In it, I  explained how I had created a booklet for my son when he turned 13 entitled “What is a Man?”, and relayed some excerpts from that booklet on how Men should treat women.  I concluded with the contention that the solution to the mistreatment of women in our society is for our parents to stop raising males and start raising Men.   The response to my post was somewhat overwhelming.  Many of you asked me to share the remaining portions of the booklet so that you could share with your own adolescents.  After redacting and editing out those items that are personal between my son and I, the result is this blog post.   Back in 2007 when I created the original booklet, I didn’t know if what I had created would have any impact on my son;  now, as I look at the Man he has grown into I believe that it did make a difference – and a positive one.   When I first wrote these words, I dedicated them to my father – the first Man I ever knew. Today, I dedicate them to my Son, Scott – the best Man amongst the Jones Clan, and a better Man that I will ever be. * * * * * To every adolescent male who reads this: The most important thing that a parent can do for a son during his adolescent period is to prepare him for Manhood.  Note that I didn’t say prepare him for adulthood, but Manhood. There are numerous males in our world and a whole lot of adult males; these are acts of gender, biology, and age.  Manhood, however, is a choice.  Even Man is a male….but not every male is a Man.  In today’s world, Men – true Men – are hard to find but easy to recognize.  The world  needs more Men, This is not a guess…it’s a fact. I wish there was a rulebook or simple manual that someone could use  to explain what it is to be a Man and how to get there…sadly, there is not.  There are, however, some characteristics that are unique to any Man that can be identified. That is what I am trying to do here.  This list may or may not be complete. Still…I think you’ll find this to be a good starting point. I wish I could tell you that this period – and this path – would be painless for you…but Men do not lie, particularly to one another.  This officially begins an awkward time for you.  Your body is changing; your emotions will become discombobulated; your system will be flooded with hormones which will spark more changes and more confusion.  These things are normal.  Remember this when things are the most painful and the most confusing.  You will come out the other end of this. I wish you nothing but success on your life’s journey.  Namaste… * * * * * What Is A Man? A Man is Responsible Men are responsible to a fault.  Men accept these responsibilities willingly, without question – indeed, often without being told.  A Man’s existence places his responsibilities at the forefront of his life.  Fun, enjoyment, passion, and commitment are all important to a Man...but all take second place to his responsibilities.   A Man who takes a job is responsible for all aspects of his job and performs his job at 110% of his ability, all the time.   A husband and father has a responsibility to provide a home for his family.  If he loses his job, this does not end his responsibility.  A Man does anything and everything he can (within the limits of the law and morality) to take care of his family.   A male who brings a child into this world is not a Man unless he cares for that child.  Men do not avoid or run from such things.  Any male of age can help conceive a child.  Only a Man can be a father to one. A Man is Accountable Closely linked with responsibility is the concept of accountability.  I like to think of accountability as the issue of the person who gets blamed when things go wrong.  I am responsible for performing certain tasks and must perform those tasks, yes.  If something goes wrong…if the task doesn’t get done…if I make the wrong decision…I am also accountable for those errors and must accept the consequences of my actions.  Men are always accountable.   When someone asks “Who did that?” a Man raises his hand if it was him.  He does not look to hide, to obfuscate, to equivocate, or to make excuses.  For Men, accountability is an integrity issue; anything less than full accountability is dishonest and demeaning.  Men have no place for dishonesty. Men Are Respectful Men remember that all individuals are worthy of courtesy and respect at all times – until they prove otherwise.  Courtesy and respect are always the starting position for a Man; to be otherwise is to degrade the individual you are interacting with…and, ultimately, yourself.  Men do not do this. Men remember that their elders are worthy of respect simply by the nature of what they have survived.  Old men and women – particularly the ones you see on a daily basis – have survived at least one world war, two stock market crashes, one Great Depression, and numerous other wars in which they either served or lost relatives and loved ones.  If the person is a minority or a woman they’ve survived discrimination, bigotry, and racism on top of everything else.  The fact they are still here and still thriving in today’s society is worthy of enough respect that you should defer to them when going through doors…greet them with courtesy (“Sir,” “Ma’am,” and “Please”)…and pay attention to them when they are talking to you.   Respect for yourself is also a part of Manhood.  A man should respect himself enough to pay attention to how he presents himself in public.  Things such as proper grooming…proper table manners…dressing appropriately for the occasion…and being clean (both in hygiene and in what you wear) are a reflection of self respect.  A Man who does not respect himself is not worthy of respect from others.  Your clothing and your things do not have to be expensive to be impressive.  Simply having them clean, pressed, and well fitting is usually more than sufficient. Being respectful is not a chore, nor is it a sign of weakness.  Rather, it is a sign of the care and concern we Men show all things and all people…including ourselves. Men Have Integrity Integrity – in all things, at all times – is hard.  Integrity goes beyond simply not telling lies and being honest.  Integrity requires a level of clarity and honesty in your actions and deeds.  Obfuscation and confusion are the enemies of integrity – which is why most people have problems with this concept.  Grey areas leave room for deception.  Men have no room for such things.   Integrity involves a level of directness most people are uncomfortable with.  Men have no problem with directness; they confront issues and situations head-on, as this is usually the best method of solving the problem.  Note that directness does not mean tactlessness or rudeness; one can still be polite yet direct. Integrity also impacts one’s word and one’s actions.  A Man’s word is his bond…so he doesn’t give it lightly.  Once given, Men will move mountains in order to keep their word.  Men will not quit an activity in mid-stream because Men believe that their agreement to do something is also a form of giving their word.  If you agree to join a sports team, for example, you are agreeing to practice your sport and to be at all games and to give it 110% of your effort.  To avoid practice…to miss games because you forgot…to quit the team in mid season…these are examples of breaking your word.  Men do not do this (Note:  this doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind about an activity later down the road…but there’s a minimum commitment that you make when you commit to an activity that you must meet.  In the sports team example, if you decide you don’t like the sport it’s perfectly alright NOT to sign up again after the season…but it is NOT alright to quit mid-season or not practice.) Signing a contractual document is another example of giving your word.  When you sign a contract, you are making a commitment to abide by the terms and conditions of this contract. In short, you are giving your word to do the things the contract says you must do.  Ensure you understand what and to whom you are committing…as a Man, you are expected to honor that commitment.   Many organizations and structures thrive on obfuscation, duplicity, and avoidance of firm accountability.  Regardless of the circumstances, this reflects a willingness to compromise oneself from an integrity standpoint.  Do not stand for this…and do not succumb to it. Tell the truth.  Be polite, but be direct.  Be known for this trait.  In the end, this will set you apart – favorably – from you peers.   Men respect, admire, and maintain integrity in all things, at all times.   A Man Chooses No Man is ever trapped by circumstance; a Man chooses A or B…and accepts the consequences of that choice. We are responsible for the choices we make and cannot eschew that responsibility.  Thus, we must choose carefully and wisely in all things.  This is part of Manhood.  Practice this now.  Sometimes there are no bad outcomes…sometimes there are no good ones. Regardless, when the time comes, do not be afraid to choose.  This ability will serve you well throughout your life. One of the things you’ll see many so-called grown-ups attempting to do is to avoid making choices.  This is a particularly bad (and annoying) trait in business and politics.  There are several well-worn methods of avoiding choice: 1. Doing Nothing Until It’s Too Late.  It is, after all, safer to let fate and circumstance determine the outcome.  What most non-Men fail to acknowledge, though, is that not making a choice is, in and of itself, a choice.  Not a great choice, mind you, but a choice nonetheless. 2. “More Data!”  It is always easy to claim that you don’t have enough information to make a decision; this is sometimes correct.  Other times, however, you must make a decision with the information you have.  Continuing to seek data does not make a decision easier…often, it merely prolongs the inevitable.  Remember Colin Powell’s rule of decision making:  “when you have 40 to 70% of the data, go with your gut.” 3. Form a Committee.  While it is always alright to be inclusive as you make decisions, many committees end up becoming an attempt to spread the responsibility of decision making from one to many. Understand that all of the aforementioned stall tactics seem perfectly reasonable at face value…and, yes, there ARE times when it’s necessary and appropriate to do items 1 through 3.  However, if you find yourself asking “Why are we going over this AGAIN?” then it is probably past time to make a decision.  A Man Has the Capacity to Be Hard Whether we like it or not, there are times and circumstances which call for hard decisions. This may be a decision to report someone for an illegal act; to walk away from a so-called friend who is not treating you properly; to do the right thing even when everyone else is doing the wrong thing.  When these circumstances occur, you will have mixed feelings and emotions.  You may feel hurt…scared…frustrated…saddened.  This feelings are normal and perfectly acceptable… …but having these feelings change your decisions is not. Understand that being hard and being cruel are two very different things.  To be cruel is to be needlessly hard…to force needless pain and suffering…to not feel anything but pleasure or some positive emotion when causing another pain.  Bullies are cruel.   No Man is a bully.  A Man is not cruel. You do not have to be hard all the time, nor should you be.  Having feelings is a wonderful and joyous thing.  Surrendering to those feelings – both positive and negative – is also normal and acceptable.  There are, however, times and places and circumstances when you cannot surrender to your feelings and emotions.  What is important is that you develop and maintain the capacity to be hard.  It is something every Man needs in today’s world. A Man’s Outlook on Women Men treasure women.  Women are the only creatures in the world who can create human life and carry human life inside of them.  They are to be treasured, respected, and admired.  The only weakness women have compared to men is in physical strength.  In all other things, women are superior to men.  They are smarter, more mature, and more emotionally balanced then any male or any Man.  Men know this…and are not threatened by this.  Men treat women as equals.  They are our equals, if not our betters.   Men do not hit women under any circumstances.  Our physical size and strength makes this the only advantage that we have over women…to use this advantage is to be cruel – and cowardly.  It is wrong to hit women, period!! As you mature physically, your feelings toward women will change as well.  You will move from mere friendship to an awkward like-hate reaction to genuine attraction and affection.  Understand that these feelings are perfectly normal; however, understand that how you act upon these feelings is, indeed important.  Above all else, men understand that when a woman says “no” about intimacy, it means no. Period.  Men never, ever, EVER force themselves upon a woman. Undoubtedly, a woman will break your heart.  It will happen at least once during your life.  Be sad…hell, get mad, even…but don’t make that an excuse to avoid falling in love with a woman.  Finding the right woman is a personal treasure…one well worth the pains of the search. Women are the world’s most important treasure.  Treat them as such.